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The dollars from drinking

I am getting SO excited! Hubby and I are in the process of buying a little cabin and hopefully (KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK), we will close on it at the end of the month! Guys, this is completely because of sobriety! For starters, I’d have NEVER been interested in going to the middle of nowhere to relax and hike when I could be at home drinking! And also – the money I spent on drinking covers more than half of the mortgage payments each year!! Can you believe that? Think of all the stuff we could have or saved for all those years drinking?!

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Reminders and gratitude

Well I did it! Not only was yesterday my first sober flight, but it was also my first event hanging out w drinkers while being a non drinker.  It was really interesting watching everyone deteriorate. It was a cooking class team building event and by the end of the night – the instructor was asking me and hubby to do all the knife work because he didn’t trust the drunk folks with a knife! I know they don’t even realize it – but they all missed out on a great opportunity to connect on a real level last night. I’m sure they are all hungover today as well.

So I had two people question me not drinking – first one knows me as a big partier and this is the second time she hasn’t seen me drink now. She asked if I gave up drinking and I said “yep- I don’t drink” and nothing more. She waited for more…and I didn’t have anything else to offer her. She was clearly uncomfortable and said “good job” and didn’t speak to me the rest of the night. Next girl doesn’t know me at all but had enough to drink to come over and share her life story w me. She asked why I wasn’t drinking and I said “I’ve had plenty in my lifetime – I’m good” and she proceeded to try and sneak me champagne several times after! After the sloppy cooking event, where 8 people consumed 13 bottles of wine…they headed to the bars, and me and hubby went back to our hotel for hot tea.

I am so grateful for my new life. I didn’t see a single thing last night that makes me want to go back to drinking.

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1st sober flight

Today is my first sober flight! There is SO MUCH TIME now that I don’t need to stop for 2-3 double Bloody Mary’s before the flight! We are on our way to a team building event for my husbands’ work – lots of drinking around me tonight but I will just drink my sparkly water and observe the insanity!

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Sick and Sober > Sick and Drunk

Christmas is such a wonderful holiday sober! I can’t even begin to list all of the amazing things I feel because I was actually present and conscious!

I can’t WAIT for sober New Years! Me and hubby are sick right now – and if this had been a year ago, that would have meant I’d be carefully medicating myself so that I could also still drink all day. I mean serious…what kind of life was that?! So I might be sick…but being sick and sober is a hell of a better time than sick and drunk! Or even worse – sick and hungover!

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Sober identity

Today is my 90 days alcohol free!!! My family was visiting recently and I am sort of stuck on how I feel about sobriety and how I want to represent it to others, and I can’t figure out my motives.

On one hand – I don’t want it to “be a thing”, I don’t want it to be some big problem everyone knows about and has to accommodate or treat differently. I don’t want it to be some lifelong “disease” that I’m always working on or blaming shit on.

But on the other hand – I don’t want it to be “no big deal” to everyone or something that is actually really fucking hard and a big ass accomplishment but completely overlooked because I’ve made it out like it was no big deal. People who haven’t dealt with this stuff pretty much only know alcohol abuse as the stuff they see on tv – the drunk with a disease who has to run around making amends and working on their stuff daily or they will fail. I don’t want people to see that as me. But Is that me? And if it is – is that bad? I guess I’m struggling with what my sober identity actually is and how to share that with people or if I should share it with people. I’m also struggling with being portrayed like some special little snowflake…but also I want to BE a special little snowflake lol

I’m not sure if I’m explaining this well or what the question really is for you guys – but I’d love any insight on the topic.

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Sobriety and social skills

I know a lot of us are just starting to try out social experiences sober and are stumbling and feeling awkward. I am doing Annie Grace’s 30 day Alcohol Experiment and this quote came up today that I thought I’d share:

“Look social skills are just that, skills. They have to be learned and practiced to get good at them. So many of us start drinking at a young age and we never develop the skills to feel confident on a date without alcohol. We don’t crack bad jokes and learn how to recover. We don’t get shot down and move on. We don’t experience heartbreak without the numbing effects of a drink to make us feel better. It takes practice. If we were all perfect at everything from the moment we’re born, what would be the point? Life is all about experimentation and growth.”

Good reminder! I haven’t really learned how to do a lot of things socially – I just leaned on alcohol to get me by without learning them. It’s not that I’m just going to suck at everything because I don’t drink… it’s that I need to learn how to do them for the first time and it’s going to take practice.

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Just in time

I posted yesterday that I’ve been feeling off and that old thinking was creeping back into my life. I’m using a daily affirmation app now and this is today’s affirmation Right.On.Time. A good reminder that we have everything we need inside of ourselves and we just need to remember to use it!

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Was it really that bad?

I feel like I’m losing my way a bit. While I know I am happy being alcohol free for 75 days now…and I know that alcohol doesn’t relax me or solve any problems…I think I’m forgetting WHY it was so bad for me. I keep seeing people out drinking and having that sloppy version of fun, and it still looks good to me. I find myself saying “would it really be that bad”…it still looks fun to me and even if it’s a chemical-fake fun, it felt fun when I did it. I guess I’m going through a “why can’t I just moderate” phase. Why do I have to be different than everyone else I know? Why can they drink and have “fake fun” and then wake up perfectly fine and go about their lives with no real issue?

I went into this thinking I’d quit drinking for good…but I guess I thought I’d be happier about it. I WAS very happy about it for most of the time, but now that I’m hanging out in situations with people drinking – it is getting harder. And when I try to talk to people about it – it’s clear they don’t completely get it. I’ll point out some fucked up thing about alcohol, and they will respond with something that makes it so clear that I am just different from them…they can take it or leave it and they don’t have those problems like me.

I guess I’m stuck because I didn’t want getting sober to be “a thing”. I didn’t want it to be some life long thing I had to do. But it is, right? I mean – am I ever not going to drink and not care when I’m surrounded by everyone else that still drinks? I guess I just have to come to the realization that even if I don’t want to label myself or “have a problem”…I do have a fucking problem.

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Vacation triggers

Hubby and I are on vacation this week – RV “camping”. This is my first camping trip sober, and it never occurred to me that I would have any issues with it. It’s just me and hubby …and he isn’t drinking out of respect for me….but I guess I forgot that the entire camping experience had always been about all day drinking for me. Also, the minute I got into the RV to load up the fridge, I realized I had left a shit ton of booze in the fridge from the last trip. Yikes…five minutes in and a full fridge of drinks. I packed up all the drinks and handed them to hubby “please make these go away somewhere I won’t find them”.

Here’s to a week of nature, sobriety, and happiness!