Tag: coping mechanism

Posted in acceptance, motivation, self-care, sobriety, social anxiety, stress

External Measures of Success

Posted on by New and Shiny

So as you guys know, I started grad school in January and am pursuing my masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. I made the decision to make this complete change in career while blogging in October! It is hard to believe that everything has happened so quickly!

When I made the decision, I knew it would be difficult. I haven’t been in school in over ten years. I have pretty bad social anxiety -so working in groups and presenting things to the class is going to be tough. Part of the school work is essentially intense therapy, and we all know I have my share of issues! but I wanted to do SOMETHING that mattered. I didn’t want to be a cog in the wheel anymore. I didn’t want to work in a field that is oversaturated and no longer creative and fun. I didn’t want to pretend for one more minute that I give a damn about forecasts, budgets, business suits, and sales meetings.

I want to do something meaningful, compassionate, creative, and purposeful. I told myself that I would simply work hard, do my best, and not let myself worry about the grades, the assignments, the approval of other students. Ha! I think we all knew that I’d be a stressful mess in no time lol! Well, I just got past my first round of exams and papers. I’m a walking ball of knots and stress! I had wine cravings and when I didn’t give in to those – my mind thought it would try for another old escapism go-to -gaming cravings. I did not cave to those either.

The thing is guys, I am programmed to give a fuck about all the stuff. I have spent my entire life believing I have to get the grade, the promotion, the 5 star writeup, and on and on. My anxiety is driven by my constant search for external validation…and here I am…enrolled in 2 years of constant external measures of success lol. Now, I can’t avoid it. I MUST find a way to be successful while somehow not caring SO MUCH about success. It is a great lesson to learn – one that I’m sure I’ll be helping many people through in the future.

Isn’t it funny how we can help others through something and be completely blind to our own selves needing to do the same thing? If I were supporting a friend right now, I would tell her to ramp up her self care. I would tell her that she needs to slow down and remember to also ENJOY the program. I would tell her she is smart and capable, and she always succeeds at everything she tries – so give herself a break! When she pushed back, I’d ask her to list a few times she was doing something REALLY important and thought she’d fail…and have her see how it worked out just fine then too. I’d even ask her to describe what would happen…on the totally unlikely chance that she didn’t make it through the program…and she’d see that everything would still be fine. Then I’d remind her that the reason she is anxious and stressed is because she wants to do well…and that’s totally normal too!

Well, it sounds like I have a pretty good idea what I need to do, huh?

Posted in acceptance, gratitude, motivation, self-care, sobriety

A Matter of Choice

Posted on by New and Shiny
Yesterday, I was having a really terrible day. I got woken up repeatedly by my senior cat all night. Then I got woken up 6 more times early in the morning. Then my Outlook crashed 15 minutes before a meeting. Then I showed up to a doctors appointment on the wrong day…and so on and so on.

I’ve written before about how we choose the state of mind we want to be in. And I still believe that, but I was reminded how difficult it can be to WANT to change it when you’re immediately in it.

I reset myself 5 different times yesterday. I went into it kicking and screaming and all “what’s the point”, but after a 5 minute guided meditation, or a breathing exercise, or a shower, or even a short nap – each time I was completely regenerated, calm, and at peace. It really works, if I allow myself to do it.

Recently, I started an online class about happiness. One of the daily exercises is to write 3 good things that happened to me, how they felt, and why they happened. This practice reminded me just how much I control my mood.

If I were to look at my initial description of yesterday – I could say that the day sucked. Based on my opening description – it truly was a terrible day. But, if I look at my 3 good things from yesterday – seeing my hubby after he was gone for the weekend, getting surprise flowers delivered to me, and having an awesome playtime with my pups…watching them wag their tails and enjoy their time with me – if THAT’S how I describe yesterday, instead of all the negative parts, then yesterday was actually an amazing day!

Now, I’m not saying ignore the bad parts or pretend they didnt happen. But instead of dwelling on them – I’m trying to accept the not so good and focus on the good. In the end, it makes me feel really good. It also helps me see more of the good than I use to see.

Anyone else try the 3 good things practice? Any other ideas on seeing the positive in your lives?

Posted in acceptance, motivation, recovery, self-care

Being Judgmental

Posted on by New and Shiny

Good morning everyone! Is it possible to meditate TOO early? I swear, I was practically falling back asleep during my meditation this morning. Today’s meditation was all about being non-judgemental. Is it ironic that it is also the meditation I could barely stay on track on, and I so much wanted to judge it poorly lol.

This topic reminds me of one of the mantras from sobriety school…”I am not here to judge other people’s process. I am driving my own bus”. That mantra is such a good reminder. (It comes from Byron Katie’s “Loving What Is” – which I will add to my ever growing list of what one day I should read but will probably only buy and then never actually read…because that’s what I do…collect unread Kindle books).

We all have so much going on in our lives. Honestly, we don’t have time to judge everyone else. All the time and effort spent thinking about other people’s situations, what they should or shouldn’t do, how I would do it differently…it is all a waste of time. During that time, I could be focusing on my own improvements. I could be using that energy for good. Spending time judging others, is stealing time from myself. Plus how many times have I judged something I’ve never even been through…only later to go through it and totally understand what I judged? Too many times. Honestly, we are all just trying to do the best we can, with what we know at that time.

Have you ever noticed how judging others really makes you feel shitty inside? Sure, sometimes it makes you feel good temporarily…a fake good…like, “oh I’m so much better at xyz” … That’s really just some sort of fake self-approval. I quit drinking to stop all the fake in my life. Ya know…the fake fun, fake social, fake relaxation that we think alcohol gives us. So that includes giving myself quick-fixes of self righteousness. Although man, can that be a hard habit to break -especially when I’m over here self-improving my ass off. It’s hard not to compare and fall into that trap of suddenly knowing it all and being better.

While on the other hand, being proud of others or being loving and compassionate – now that is a real dose of goodness. If I’m taking the focus off of myself and my self-improvement – then that is where I should be…in that sweet spot of love and compassion. Where being judgemental is a quick fix for me and nothing good for you, being loving and compassionate is hands down a win-win for us both!

I guess where I am going with all of this…is that we are all on these journeys…trying new things, learning from mistakes, and we should give each other a break. We have our own busses to drive…and if everyone keeps getting out of their bus to try and drive other people’s busses… well that’s just a massive accident waiting to happen! We need to remember that the important part of life is living it…and if we are judging others, we aren’t living our own life. And if we are trying to intervene in others’ lives – telling them what to do or how to do it – we aren’t letting them live theirs either.

Posted in Uncategorized

Alcohol & It’s Lies

Posted on by New and Shiny
I use to wake up, exhausted, run down, emotionally beat up, ashamed, and anxious. The birds chirping and the sun rising were just a headache-inducing reminder that another day was starting that I needed to drag myself through. I couldn’t appreciate the day. I couldn’t appreciate what I had. I couldn’t be anything other than a girl…who drank too much at night…regretted it all day the next day…and drank again later.

Oh, the hell I was in for so long. Oh, how scared I was. And I couldn’t understand how I got there, how to get out, and I was so embarassed. I was so ashamed. How could I be like this? How could someone with so much talent and ability have fallen into this trap? Everyone drinks to relax, to have fun, to unwind. Why did it go wrong for me?

Well, now I see things differently. I don’t think all those people around me are ALL drinking “just fine” anymore, and I hope that they get out before they get where I was. I don’t see it as ME being unable to “drink responsibly”. I now recognize it as me consuming an addictive substance and eventually becoming addicted.

We are told that “alcoholics” are people who just can’t control their liquor…that only “some people” will ever become like that…that it is their fault for not consuming the product correctly. When in reality, anyone can become addicted to addictive substances, but most of us don’t view alcohol as an addictive drug. We are marketed to, instead of educated. We learn slogans, instead of facts.

If we don’t view it as potentially dangerous, how can we use it safely? And by the way – why do we NEED to use it to begin with? Why do we need to escape, not feel, miss out on the present, mute the world, dull the details? Isn’t THAT the true tragedy? That we all grow up believing that we need that in our lives?

Posted in Uncategorized

I might be a shitty dog mom, but I’m not a drunk dog mom!

Posted on by New and Shiny
Today is one of those days that I have to remember – even though it sucks, it would be so much worse if I still drank. The “bad days” are so real now. If this were 18 months ago, I would have had a lot of wine and vodka the past few days. And what sucks…is even though I don’t drink anymore, I still somehow spent the entire day as if I were hung over (including the Uber eats order of Mdonalds to get me through).

I barely slept last night – partly because I believe the waitress at dinner sabotaged me with caffeine when I asked for decaf, but also partly because I’m going through stress at home. Our super loving , but oh-so-fucked-up rescue dog had an altercation with a very sweet neighbor dog over the weekend. Now $460 later and an awkward relationship with a new neighbor – and here I am a complete and utter mess.

You go into pet ownership thinking about all the joy pets bring and all the fun they are. Until Friday, I never really had an appreciation…not a true one…for the fact that these are animals… with instincts and drive.. that I don’t even fully understand. Sometimes pets do crazy stuff that can completely fuck up your life…or someone else’s. It is a huge responsibility to own a pet – I mean…even my cat is basically an itty bitty murderer.

The crazy dog incident was an accident. Our rescue mutt hasn’t fought with another dog before…but he is anxious and scared of dogs, and I didnt keep him safe. I didn’t protect him from himself. I failed him. I stupidly let him in the garage with the door up – and off he ran, ready to fuck up the weekend …and fuck up his life.

On the scale of bad dog things – this wasn’t enormous. All the dogs are alive and well – one just has a lot less of an ear than she did before 😦 but I am horrified, embarassed, sad, and now scared to death of what the neighbors think and worried if the little ear-ripper is going to always be like this.

I feel so much guilt. It was an accident, though. I have to find a way to forgive myself…and to forgive my poor dog. I have to find a way to make his life less stressful and in a way where he doesn’t want to eat ears as an anxiety reduction method!

This has nothing really to do with sobriety…except it has everything to do with sobriety too. I don’t drink. Sometimes shitty things happen, and I still don’t drink then too. Now when shitty things happen – I feel them. God, do I fucking feel them…and I dont know how to always cope with that. I’m still learning.

I can say, though, I may have accidentally let my horribly anxious dog out…but 18 months ago I’d have probably been drunk when it happened, and I bet that would have been a total shit show! So … accidents are different now. Accidents feel shitty, but at least I know they don’t happen because my brain is functioning poorly from poisonous chemicals.

At least I can say I am doing my best. I might mess up, but I do my best and learn from what I screw up. That is way better than barely remembering what I screwed up the next day!

I’m reaching a bit, here, but that’s all I got. Today, I am having a really hard time…but I never once thought alcohol would make it better. And even if my 25 pound, ear-munching mutt is the talk of the neighborhood- at least I’m a sober dog mom and not a drunk one!

Posted in acceptance, self-care, sobriety, trauma

Understanding the Past

Posted on by New and Shiny

Good morning everyone! It is a very crisp 27 degrees this morning! I am sitting outside on our heated porch, with two snuggly pups, listening to the birds.

I read a great post today where the writer was discussing people who call themselves “damaged goods”. I remember when I use to laughingly say that when describing myself to others. Back then, I would tell perfect strangers my worst truths upon meeting them. I’d rather just get it out there, up front, and see if they would stick around. It wasnt worth it to put in the effort of getting to know someone and have them leave once they found out my faults.

Can you imagine thinking you were so flawed that no one would want to be your friend if they really knew you? Some of you can relate, I am sure. People never did turn me away when they heard my flaws, though. In fact, my vulnerability to open up and share personal details almost always resulted in people being even more drawn to me. Funny thing, then I would push them away – “clearly you are a bad judge of character- so I shouldn’t count on you”. I really didn’t think much of myself.

As a child, I was surrounded by abuse, neglect, addiction, and enablement. I never knew my mother, and the family that I did know always hurt me or let me down. I grew to rely on myself. I am a survivor – strong and capable. I am far from perfect and have a long way to go, but I am NOT damaged goods. I use to think I was, but just because irresponsible and unhealthy people treated me poorly does not mean I am damaged. Their actions and poor behavior reflect on them, not on me. They have their own problems and illnesses. They did what they did as a result of that, not because I deserved it. That doesn’t mean I forgive them or can even completely let go of the past (yet)… but I do see it for what it is now.

It is hard as a kid to understand that people have a ton of baggage, and their actions toward you can be weighed down by that baggage. As an adult – as someone who has made mistakes because of my own baggage – I get it a little more, now. Sure, I have never done what was done to me – but I have certainly done things I regret and treated people ways they didnt deserve. We all have.

Today, I can honestly say that I am a good person. I am worth knowing. I bring value to life. It took a lot of soul searching, therapy, addiction, and sobriety to get this far – but here I am.
Posted in Uncategorized

Everything Isn’t Always Perfect…and That’s OK!

Posted on by New and Shiny

When I was drinking, I led two separate lives. There was the life that everyone on the outside saw, and then there was the life that I actually lived on the inside. This is also how I view my life with an anxiety disorder. Everyone on the outside thinks I’m put together, but on the inside it takes a lot of medication, CBT, and other internal work to not lock the doors and never leave the house. I think this is also how many people feel with other mental illnesses.

I was not what society tends to think of when they think of “an alcoholic”. That’s because society has a completely inaccurate view of what that means. Unless you have struggled with alcohol or know someone who has – all you have to go by is advertisements, TV, and movies. We all think people with alcohol struggles are homeless …or cant keep jobs …or are the falling down drunk at the bar …or some other example of what is really the absolute end-game of addiction. There are SO many stages long before that happens. Unfortunately, because we don’t know that – a lot of troubled drinkers can continue their unhealthy relationships with alcohol for a lot longer because they have those examples to lean on. “I cant be an alcoholic, I work. I cant be an alcoholic, I’m responsible”.  The whole world believes we should be able to “drink responsibly” and magically consume an addictive substance using just “self control”. Meanwhile, alcohol makes you feel better (at first) when life is a little shitty – so why wouldn’t you use it to help get by? Then you play “Russian roulette” with the addiction-odds for the rest of your drinking career.

There are SO many people who struggle with substance use…so many people with anxiety disorders, depression, and other illnesses. Suicide rates, bullying, and mass shootings are climbing. These are all signs of people struggling to get by and not having the proper coping mechanisms. We don’t know how to recognize problems. We don’t know how to cope with them. We don’t know what to do once we realize we have them. So often, we see everyone else’s perfect lives and compare our reality to their carefully molded and Facebook-edited lives. We think we are broken because we don’t see anyone else broken. We think we are broken because no one else admits they struggle too. We think we are hopeless because we don’t know how to escape our issues, and no one else seems to have them.

We need to talk about our lives. We need to admit the good and the bad. We need to learn about the things our friends, family, and community are facing. It will never change if we keep hiding our problems. It will never change if we pretend nothing is wrong.