You go into pet ownership thinking about all the joy pets bring and all the fun they are. Until Friday, I never really had an appreciation…not a true one…for the fact that these are animals… with instincts and drive.. that I don’t even fully understand. Sometimes pets do crazy stuff that can completely fuck up your life…or someone else’s. It is a huge responsibility to own a pet – I mean…even my cat is basically an itty bitty murderer.
The crazy dog incident was an accident. Our rescue mutt hasn’t fought with another dog before…but he is anxious and scared of dogs, and I didnt keep him safe. I didn’t protect him from himself. I failed him. I stupidly let him in the garage with the door up – and off he ran, ready to fuck up the weekend …and fuck up his life.
On the scale of bad dog things – this wasn’t enormous. All the dogs are alive and well – one just has a lot less of an ear than she did before 😦 but I am horrified, embarassed, sad, and now scared to death of what the neighbors think and worried if the little ear-ripper is going to always be like this.
I feel so much guilt. It was an accident, though. I have to find a way to forgive myself…and to forgive my poor dog. I have to find a way to make his life less stressful and in a way where he doesn’t want to eat ears as an anxiety reduction method!
This has nothing really to do with sobriety…except it has everything to do with sobriety too. I don’t drink. Sometimes shitty things happen, and I still don’t drink then too. Now when shitty things happen – I feel them. God, do I fucking feel them…and I dont know how to always cope with that. I’m still learning.
I can say, though, I may have accidentally let my horribly anxious dog out…but 18 months ago I’d have probably been drunk when it happened, and I bet that would have been a total shit show! So … accidents are different now. Accidents feel shitty, but at least I know they don’t happen because my brain is functioning poorly from poisonous chemicals.
At least I can say I am doing my best. I might mess up, but I do my best and learn from what I screw up. That is way better than barely remembering what I screwed up the next day!
I’m reaching a bit, here, but that’s all I got. Today, I am having a really hard time…but I never once thought alcohol would make it better. And even if my 25 pound, ear-munching mutt is the talk of the neighborhood- at least I’m a sober dog mom and not a drunk one!