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Now I have something to lose

Is this a thing – fear of losing what’s going good? Lately, although I have had this immense and overwhelming feeling of love and gratitude, I am also constantly worried that I am somehow going to lose all these great things that I’m just now realizing I have. I look around my life – and I am so thankful for everything I have and everyone in it. I’m amazed that I have gotten where I am in spite of my drinking. I now love my home, my job, my family and I just can’t believe how easily all of this could have gone away and how lucky I am to still have it all.

Although I am so super happy with so many things now, I still have this annoying, constant worry. Like I’m waiting for the bad part of all of this…like wouldn’t that be some shit …if when I FINALLY appreciate what I have, I lose it?! When it would ACTUALLY hurt me, it happens?

Am I crazy? I don’t know why I can’t just be happy with all I’ve discovered and learned to appreciate…why I have to worry about losing things when I have them.

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Good but poopy day

Yesterday was AMAZING and was real evidence of how much I’ve changed. I live in a new neighborhood and by being the first to have moved here, somehow I’ve become a sort of “social chair”…which is ironic as fuck because I am the most socially anxious woman on the planet….orrr I USE TO BE. So I arranged for a neighborhood Meet & Greet yesterday and it was supposed to be outdoors, but hell froze over and for some reason it was 34 degrees IN ATLANTA when I woke up. So with only a few hours’ notice, hubby and I decided to host the party IN OUR HOUSE instead.

Everything that could have gone wrong beforehand, went wrong. My dog apparently pooped somewhere…and the Roomba (robot vacuum thingy) apparently ran over the poop. So while we are running around cleaning other things thinking the floors were taken care of…Will (what we named our Roomba) was actually running around smearing dog shit all over our house and white bathroom rugs!!!! Also, I’m getting over a cold…so of course, I had a major coughing attack and I literally peed my pants RIGHT BEFORE THE PARTY.

Guys…It was 20 minutes before the party started, before 30 fucking strangers showed up IN MY HOUSE, my house was covered in dog poop, and I had to shower again! In the past, I’d have already been a little tipsy and anxious as hell….and that would have been the straw…but guess what? It wasn’t ! It actually didn’t even phase me! I literally looked at all that went wrong, made a list of what we had to do to fix it, delegated stuff to hubby – and we just took care of it! And guess what else? The party was a huge hit- I met some really great people, and everything worked out just fine!

Also – people were in my house with alcohol and the only thing I thought was “man, beer really smells”!

Sobriety and HSS has changed everything! Life is just easier…and better! I love you guys!

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Sick but sober

Sitting at home, sick as a dog, fending for myself because hubby is on the road. This is my “first sick” since being sober.

When I was drinking, being sick meant me being exhausted but still trying to figure out that perfect balance of alcohol consumption while still being able to take cold medication. So many times alcohol won, and I probably prolonged my sickness by days or a week.

Hubby being on the road when I was sick was always extra hard. I was already a sketchy “crazy girl” when he was gone and I got drunk. I would cause all sorts of ridiculous fights with him for no reason. Then add being sick and lonely AND drunk – magical disaster.

This time around…I’m sick…I’m a little lonely…I’m taking care of myself…and I feel bad for hubby because he didn’t want to leave me but he had to. I never considered how hard it was for him when he left. Funny how much more of the picture there is besides my drunk self and that “me me me” mentality I had while drinking.

I am so amazed at how much more there is to this world than I knew before!

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30 days!

30 days! 30 fucking days!!! It has been a beautiful, humbling, sometimes-painful, sometimes-joyful, road so far. I went from thinking I could never do this…seeing me as an old broken woman one day drinking vodka in a rocking chair….to knowing I can do ANYTHING!

Last night, I was talking to hubby about how impossible this had felt. How the last few times I went into it thinking it was likely doomed and how it ended up doomed. But this time was SO different – all because I decided to TRY something new…to put blind faith into a new way…to say fuck it- what’s the worst that can happen. I can’t believe how many things in life I’ve been missing because I thought I already knew all I needed to know! The only thing I actually know – is there is a fuck-load more to know! And for the first time in life….I’m happy about that! I hope I always have something new to learn and that I am always finding better ways to be.

Last night was the very first night that I didn’t even think about wine! I just started my lovely evening with tea, aromatherapy, and quality time with my hubby and dogs. It was amazing.

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Gotta start somewhere

So when I first started HSS, one of the mantras was “I am willing to start before I’m ready”, and it came on a day that I was offered a project that I was scared to accept. I decided to follow the mantra and take the job. Today is the first meeting for this project, and I AM SO FUCKING SCARED.

Before quitting alcohol, I probably would have drank a bottle of wine last night and been hungover and anxious for the meeting. Instead, I am well rested and willing to see what happens. Nervous as hell….but how bad can it really be? If I can face the world every day without wine – I should be able to go to a conference call, right!?

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Bland before Beautiful

I seem to be trying like hell to find some “way” to achieve numbness without alcohol. The first two weeks, I was in a newly-sober-high and I CAN’T GET IT BACK. “Normal” feels SO BLAND. I am so easily offended, cranky, and judgmental beyond belief right now. I keep drinking kava tea, seltzer water, taking bubble baths…trying to drown that little voice who is like “numb…I want numb”.

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I think the first two weeks of sobriety felt really “new and shiny” and motivating. I am finding it harder to feel as grateful and happy about it, now. Maybe I’m forgetting WHY I quit…why alcohol sucks…why I’m better without it.

As always, today’s mantra is spot on, and I will just repeat it until it sinks in.


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Herbal tea

One of my toolkit items is “clean or organize something at home” and another is “drink herbal tea”. This is a picture of me using my toolkit – this cabinet use to be full of wine glasses, beer mugs, and other alcohol paraphernalia!

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Sobriety tools

So grateful for this 8 week sobriety workshop!  The tools and lectures are so perfectly timed. Anyone thinking of quitting drinking or who has already quit but is looking for ways to develop tools for your sober life, I highly recommend Hip Sobriety School. I was totally overwhelmed with the idea of making this map and toolkit, but finally I just put pen to paper and tried my best. It was easier than I thought and it was actually quite helpful!

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Traveling hubby

First time hubby is traveling for work since I quit drinking. His travel nights usually end with me binge watching chick sitcoms while downing 2 bottles of wine. I ALWAYS wake up the most hungover on the days he is gone, and I ALWAYS regret whatever I did the night before.

Not this time! I’ve got like eight different herbal teas to choose from, new bubble bath to try out, and This Naked Mind downloaded in my new Kindle (that I just bought with the money I saved from not drinking)! Go me! Cheers to a very lovely evening of not drinking and an upcoming morning of feeling amazing!