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1st sober flight

Today is my first sober flight! There is SO MUCH TIME now that I don’t need to stop for 2-3 double Bloody Mary’s before the flight! We are on our way to a team building event for my husbands’ work – lots of drinking around me tonight but I will just drink my sparkly water and observe the insanity!

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Sick and Sober > Sick and Drunk

Christmas is such a wonderful holiday sober! I can’t even begin to list all of the amazing things I feel because I was actually present and conscious!

I can’t WAIT for sober New Years! Me and hubby are sick right now – and if this had been a year ago, that would have meant I’d be carefully medicating myself so that I could also still drink all day. I mean serious…what kind of life was that?! So I might be sick…but being sick and sober is a hell of a better time than sick and drunk! Or even worse – sick and hungover!

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Sober identity

Today is my 90 days alcohol free!!! My family was visiting recently and I am sort of stuck on how I feel about sobriety and how I want to represent it to others, and I can’t figure out my motives.

On one hand – I don’t want it to “be a thing”, I don’t want it to be some big problem everyone knows about and has to accommodate or treat differently. I don’t want it to be some lifelong “disease” that I’m always working on or blaming shit on.

But on the other hand – I don’t want it to be “no big deal” to everyone or something that is actually really fucking hard and a big ass accomplishment but completely overlooked because I’ve made it out like it was no big deal. People who haven’t dealt with this stuff pretty much only know alcohol abuse as the stuff they see on tv – the drunk with a disease who has to run around making amends and working on their stuff daily or they will fail. I don’t want people to see that as me. But Is that me? And if it is – is that bad? I guess I’m struggling with what my sober identity actually is and how to share that with people or if I should share it with people. I’m also struggling with being portrayed like some special little snowflake…but also I want to BE a special little snowflake lol

I’m not sure if I’m explaining this well or what the question really is for you guys – but I’d love any insight on the topic.

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Sobriety and social skills

I know a lot of us are just starting to try out social experiences sober and are stumbling and feeling awkward. I am doing Annie Grace’s 30 day Alcohol Experiment and this quote came up today that I thought I’d share:

“Look social skills are just that, skills. They have to be learned and practiced to get good at them. So many of us start drinking at a young age and we never develop the skills to feel confident on a date without alcohol. We don’t crack bad jokes and learn how to recover. We don’t get shot down and move on. We don’t experience heartbreak without the numbing effects of a drink to make us feel better. It takes practice. If we were all perfect at everything from the moment we’re born, what would be the point? Life is all about experimentation and growth.”

Good reminder! I haven’t really learned how to do a lot of things socially – I just leaned on alcohol to get me by without learning them. It’s not that I’m just going to suck at everything because I don’t drink… it’s that I need to learn how to do them for the first time and it’s going to take practice.

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Just in time

I posted yesterday that I’ve been feeling off and that old thinking was creeping back into my life. I’m using a daily affirmation app now and this is today’s affirmation Right.On.Time. A good reminder that we have everything we need inside of ourselves and we just need to remember to use it!

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Was it really that bad?

I feel like I’m losing my way a bit. While I know I am happy being alcohol free for 75 days now…and I know that alcohol doesn’t relax me or solve any problems…I think I’m forgetting WHY it was so bad for me. I keep seeing people out drinking and having that sloppy version of fun, and it still looks good to me. I find myself saying “would it really be that bad”…it still looks fun to me and even if it’s a chemical-fake fun, it felt fun when I did it. I guess I’m going through a “why can’t I just moderate” phase. Why do I have to be different than everyone else I know? Why can they drink and have “fake fun” and then wake up perfectly fine and go about their lives with no real issue?

I went into this thinking I’d quit drinking for good…but I guess I thought I’d be happier about it. I WAS very happy about it for most of the time, but now that I’m hanging out in situations with people drinking – it is getting harder. And when I try to talk to people about it – it’s clear they don’t completely get it. I’ll point out some fucked up thing about alcohol, and they will respond with something that makes it so clear that I am just different from them…they can take it or leave it and they don’t have those problems like me.

I guess I’m stuck because I didn’t want getting sober to be “a thing”. I didn’t want it to be some life long thing I had to do. But it is, right? I mean – am I ever not going to drink and not care when I’m surrounded by everyone else that still drinks? I guess I just have to come to the realization that even if I don’t want to label myself or “have a problem”…I do have a fucking problem.

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Vacation triggers

Hubby and I are on vacation this week – RV “camping”. This is my first camping trip sober, and it never occurred to me that I would have any issues with it. It’s just me and hubby …and he isn’t drinking out of respect for me….but I guess I forgot that the entire camping experience had always been about all day drinking for me. Also, the minute I got into the RV to load up the fridge, I realized I had left a shit ton of booze in the fridge from the last trip. Yikes…five minutes in and a full fridge of drinks. I packed up all the drinks and handed them to hubby “please make these go away somewhere I won’t find them”.

Here’s to a week of nature, sobriety, and happiness!

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Tonight, was interesting…I didn’t drink but I seriously thought I might. It’s funny how quick that can come even after feeling so steady in sobriety.

I was out this evening in traffic -which gave me lots of thinking time. I was thinking about all the people in my past and I could FEEL all the feels all over again.

On my way home, I drove past a liquor store and thought “it would be SO easy to drink right now. Hubby’s away…I’m home by myself. No one would know”. I must have driven past six liquor stores – seriously how many do we need in Atlanta! I started having an argument with myself about how I needed to get my shit together and stop glamorizing alcohol. Then I thought about how I have a whole cabinet full of vodka still just waiting for me to get home.

Seriously …what the fuck.

I thought I had this shit figured out. I thought I had my shit together. I thought my past didn’t bother me anymore. I thought I was stronger than cravings. Apparently, I am fucking human and alcohol is still a bitch that could easily take over me again if I let my guard down.

I’m home now and in a totally different head space – but oh how easy that thinking came!

I guess I’ve figured out that in my current life – I know how to tackle this sobriety thing…but now that I’m dredging up shit from my past…I almost defaulted to the only coping mechanism I had back then – alcohol.

I am ok now, but I’m posting this to hold myself accountable for the rest of the night and also to help prepare someone else who may get side-smacked with cravings when thinking about the past.

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I am proud of myself for…

…taking a chance at a new life even though I thought it was impossible
…learning to stop and appreciate all of the amazing things around me and in my life
…putting myself out there and being open and honest with the HSS group
…giving meditation a chance and admitting it’s WAY better than I thought and that IT’S CHANGED MY LIFE
…beginning to learn how to drive my own bus and let others drive their own – stopping myself when I begin to be judgey or start thinking all those “you shoulds”
…not drinking for 53 days and having no plan or desire to let ethanol back into my life!