This last month has been an odd month. I’d say it’s been the most anxiety I’ve had in over a year. I’ve been really busy at work – dealing with argumentative clients. I’ve been having a really hard time sleeping. Now, I’m also considering a job change. I don’t know if these are related to the anxiety or not. I don’t think it actually matters. What’s important is that I figure out the right way to handle it.
Many of us spend a lot of time trying to avoid unpleasant things. It’s natural to not want to feel crappy, but I’m learning it’s actually important to learn how to deal with unpleasant things effectively. Distracting ourselves, putting things off, running away, numbing ourselves from things… none of that solves the issue at hand. Things like boredom, loneliness, stress – these are all things we are meant to sometimes experience. It’s funny how I use to expect everything to feel good all the time and how little tolerance I still have for anything else.
Today, I am tired. I am tired of politics, controversy, and people finding something wrong with everything. I thought I had a meaningful conversation with someone that had a different opinion than I had. I thought it was a discussion about topics and nothing about each other. I thought it was a discussion that gave new perspective to each of us. I left thinking it was a good conversation. Then later, I overhear that person talking about the conversation to someone else. Their opinion of what happened was so different from how I thought the conversation occurred. I feel like I will never actually know how anyone really feels about anything…like somehow, I speak a different language than the people I’m talking to.
Two people watch someone draw a circle on a piece of paper. One person walks away talking about the piece of paper. The other person walks away talking about the pen. Both people missed the fucking circle all together. What’s the point?
This is the stuff I now think about instead of wine and vodka. At least I’m thinking, I guess!