Month: September 2018

Posted in Uncategorized

I did not drink…but I thought about it

Posted on by New and Shiny

In 11 days, I will be 1 year alcohol-free. I have done a ton of work – regularly blog about being alcohol free, attend a weekly SMART meeting, stay active on several sobriety Facebook groups. I rarely think about alcohol and usually anticipate potential triggers and pre-plan my ass off.

So – I have my shit together, right? I’m stable, right? I have nothing to worry about, right?

Last night, me and hubby checked into the cutest boutique hotel. We walked into this gorgeous suite, and were greeted with two bottles of red. I did not drink, but I thought about it.

Later, we walked down to this gorgeous restaurant with romantic live music playing. We sat at the over-sized table and looked through a delicious farm-to-table menu… covered with fancy drinks that we use to drink at places like this. I did not drink, but I thought about it.

We then booked a spa appointment and were told that they would be happy to welcome us with champagne. I didn’t take them up on that offer, but I thought about it.

While sitting through our delicious dinner, I heard wine glass after wine glass being poured and clinked with cheers. For a moment, I entertained this idea “I could drink tomorrow while hubby goes fishing. He would never know. I could just do it this once”. I sat with that thought for a minute. Normally I’d talk to hubby about it, but the tables were so huge that I felt like I’d be yelling across the room – so instead, I sat with it on my own. I then took a big deep breath and told myself what I’ve said to so many others in this situation… “Think it all the way through. How will you feel when you waste your weekend getaway drunk? How will you feel going for a massage dehydrated and hungover? How will you feel when hubby gets back from fishing and you’re clearly drunk? How will HE feel? Do you want this to be the weekend you drank 11 days before your 1-year celebration”?

Today, hubby left at 5 am to go fishing. I woke up happy and refreshed – because I wasn’t hungover. I had room service delivered – with pineapple juice and sparkling water instead of mimosas. Then I went to the spa where I was welcomed with delicious green tea instead of champagne.

Yesterday, I thought about drinking 4 different times. Today, I can’t even imagine any other way to be other than alcohol-free.

I’m sharing this for a few reasons…1) no matter how long it’s been or how much work you’ve done – don’t underestimate the power of memories and associations 2) that stuff passes just like everything else does 3) we have been taught great tools to get through this stuff – remember to use them 4) I am so grateful to have taken this journey and to have met all of the supportive, wonderful people (like you guys) through this process!

Today I am sober. Today is good. Alcohol can go fuck itself!

 

Posted in Uncategorized

Missing the point…

Posted on by New and Shiny

This last month has been an odd month.  I’d say it’s been the most anxiety I’ve had in over a year.  I’ve been really busy at work – dealing with argumentative clients.  I’ve been having a really hard time sleeping.  Now, I’m also considering a job change.  I don’t know if these are related to the anxiety or not. I don’t think it actually matters. What’s important is that I figure out the right way to handle it.

Many of us spend a lot of time trying to avoid unpleasant things. It’s natural to not want to feel crappy, but I’m learning it’s actually important to learn how to deal with unpleasant things effectively.  Distracting ourselves, putting things off, running away, numbing ourselves from things… none of that solves the issue at hand.  Things like boredom, loneliness, stress – these are all things we are meant to sometimes experience.  It’s funny how I use to expect everything to feel good all the time and how little tolerance I still have for anything else.

Today, I am tired.  I am tired of politics, controversy, and people finding something wrong with everything. I thought I had a meaningful conversation with someone that had a different opinion than I had. I thought it was a discussion about topics and nothing about each other. I thought it was a discussion that gave new perspective to each of us. I left thinking it was a good conversation.  Then later, I overhear that person talking about the conversation to someone else.  Their opinion of what happened was so different from how I thought the conversation occurred.  I feel like I will never actually know how anyone really feels about anything…like somehow, I speak a different language than the people I’m talking to.

Two people watch someone draw a circle on a piece of paper.  One person walks away talking about the piece of paper.  The other person walks away talking about the pen.  Both people missed the fucking circle all together. What’s the point?

This is the stuff I now think about instead of wine and vodka.  At least I’m thinking, I guess!