Yesterday I found myself in a crazy space I haven’t really been in before. I had so much to get done and had the day meticulously planned – to the minute – on how to get it all done. I’ve been there a million times before. In fact, I use to say that I thrived in that environment – running back and forth project to project, juggling multiple ideas all at once. I am quite talented at taking a complex problem, breaking it into little pieces, and executing flawlessly.
Yesterday, I couldn’t decide where to start. Yesterday, I couldn’t remember where I left off on any project. Yesterday, I thought I lost my spark! I hate yesterday! Yesterday almost won, but guess what? Yesterday can suck it!
This morning I was thinking more and more about what happened. My work hasn’t changed. I know that sobriety has made me feel all the feels, but I’ve been doing a pretty good job of keeping my energy in check and doing the lemon water, bubble bath, meditation, stuff… so, what the fuck? Then it hit me. Sure, my work hasn’t changed, but when I drank, there were at least two days a week where I was hungover and unable to dive into my work right away. I’d waste entire mornings (sometimes even entire days) getting back on my feet. Back then, I probably would have drank heavily before a busy day like yesterday (because I thought that was a way to relax before a busy day). Then I would have drank WAY too much wine (doing the exact opposite to my body than relaxing), and I’d have woken up hungover. Then, I’d look at that busy-ass schedule and say “Well, guess that’s not gonna happen today”, and I’d proceed to nurture my hangover. Every week I had at least one or two mornings like that. Every week, I found it completely acceptable to blow off work for self-care because “I needed it” – never mind that it was self-induced.
Now fast forward to 6ish months sober. Except for pre-planned time off, I don’t have any of those “fuck off” days where I have no choice but to blow off work and take care of myself. I can’t even imagine looking at my busy schedule and saying, “fuck it, push everything on my calendar by a day”. I just can’t! So now I see the problem! Sure, I am managing my energy, doing my lemon water and bubble baths, loving my sober life – but my schedule is completely unrealistic as a sober person. I overbooked myself before, but I probably only actually did 75% of what I booked. I probably HAD to overbook myself just to get myself to do that 75%! But now, now I’m overbooked but trying to do ALL of it!
Yesterday wasn’t some fit of craziness – yesterday was actually filled with true signs of major burnout! Six months of an overbooked schedule with no “excuses” to FORCE me to stop. Sure, I took a two week vacation – but if you come right back from vacation and keep doing what caused you to need the vacation – what good is that?! I thought I was a fantastic consultant back when I drank. I even joked “If this is me at 50%, imagine what I’d be like at 100%”! And sure, I want to be better than when I was a drinker, but do I really need to hold myself to such a high standard that I run myself into the ground? One of the top threats to sobriety is stress – and while I feel pretty stable in my sobriety, I think that’s one of those things that can really creep up if we don’t keep it in check!