Haunted

Tonight, was interesting…I didn’t drink but I seriously thought I might. It’s funny how quick that can come even after feeling so steady in sobriety.

I was out this evening in traffic -which gave me lots of thinking time. I was thinking about all the people in my past and I could FEEL all the feels all over again.

On my way home, I drove past a liquor store and thought “it would be SO easy to drink right now. Hubby’s away…I’m home by myself. No one would know”. I must have driven past six liquor stores – seriously how many do we need in Atlanta! I started having an argument with myself about how I needed to get my shit together and stop glamorizing alcohol. Then I thought about how I have a whole cabinet full of vodka still just waiting for me to get home.

Seriously …what the fuck.

I thought I had this shit figured out. I thought I had my shit together. I thought my past didn’t bother me anymore. I thought I was stronger than cravings. Apparently, I am fucking human and alcohol is still a bitch that could easily take over me again if I let my guard down.

I’m home now and in a totally different head space – but oh how easy that thinking came!

I guess I’ve figured out that in my current life – I know how to tackle this sobriety thing…but now that I’m dredging up shit from my past…I almost defaulted to the only coping mechanism I had back then – alcohol.

I am ok now, but I’m posting this to hold myself accountable for the rest of the night and also to help prepare someone else who may get side-smacked with cravings when thinking about the past.