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Vacation triggers

Hubby and I are on vacation this week – RV “camping”. This is my first camping trip sober, and it never occurred to me that I would have any issues with it. It’s just me and hubby …and he isn’t drinking out of respect for me….but I guess I forgot that the entire camping experience had always been about all day drinking for me. Also, the minute I got into the RV to load up the fridge, I realized I had left a shit ton of booze in the fridge from the last trip. Yikes…five minutes in and a full fridge of drinks. I packed up all the drinks and handed them to hubby “please make these go away somewhere I won’t find them”.

Here’s to a week of nature, sobriety, and happiness!

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60 days!

So grateful to have gone sixty days alcohol free! I knew if I quit drinking, life would be better – but I didn’t realize what that actually meant. My life is amazing. Even the bad times – I always learn something. And the good times – SO rich and meaningful now. I hope I never forget how much better this is and how shitty it use to be!

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Tonight, was interesting…I didn’t drink but I seriously thought I might. It’s funny how quick that can come even after feeling so steady in sobriety.

I was out this evening in traffic -which gave me lots of thinking time. I was thinking about all the people in my past and I could FEEL all the feels all over again.

On my way home, I drove past a liquor store and thought “it would be SO easy to drink right now. Hubby’s away…I’m home by myself. No one would know”. I must have driven past six liquor stores – seriously how many do we need in Atlanta! I started having an argument with myself about how I needed to get my shit together and stop glamorizing alcohol. Then I thought about how I have a whole cabinet full of vodka still just waiting for me to get home.

Seriously …what the fuck.

I thought I had this shit figured out. I thought I had my shit together. I thought my past didn’t bother me anymore. I thought I was stronger than cravings. Apparently, I am fucking human and alcohol is still a bitch that could easily take over me again if I let my guard down.

I’m home now and in a totally different head space – but oh how easy that thinking came!

I guess I’ve figured out that in my current life – I know how to tackle this sobriety thing…but now that I’m dredging up shit from my past…I almost defaulted to the only coping mechanism I had back then – alcohol.

I am ok now, but I’m posting this to hold myself accountable for the rest of the night and also to help prepare someone else who may get side-smacked with cravings when thinking about the past.

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I am proud of myself for…

…taking a chance at a new life even though I thought it was impossible
…learning to stop and appreciate all of the amazing things around me and in my life
…putting myself out there and being open and honest with the HSS group
…giving meditation a chance and admitting it’s WAY better than I thought and that IT’S CHANGED MY LIFE
…beginning to learn how to drive my own bus and let others drive their own – stopping myself when I begin to be judgey or start thinking all those “you shoulds”
…not drinking for 53 days and having no plan or desire to let ethanol back into my life!

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Now I have something to lose

Is this a thing – fear of losing what’s going good? Lately, although I have had this immense and overwhelming feeling of love and gratitude, I am also constantly worried that I am somehow going to lose all these great things that I’m just now realizing I have. I look around my life – and I am so thankful for everything I have and everyone in it. I’m amazed that I have gotten where I am in spite of my drinking. I now love my home, my job, my family and I just can’t believe how easily all of this could have gone away and how lucky I am to still have it all.

Although I am so super happy with so many things now, I still have this annoying, constant worry. Like I’m waiting for the bad part of all of this…like wouldn’t that be some shit …if when I FINALLY appreciate what I have, I lose it?! When it would ACTUALLY hurt me, it happens?

Am I crazy? I don’t know why I can’t just be happy with all I’ve discovered and learned to appreciate…why I have to worry about losing things when I have them.

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Alcohol made my anxiety

Yesterday, I went to my second concert SOBER! And it was pretty easy – ya know why? Because I struggled but successfully got through the first one, AND I prepared my ass off both times. This time, even though I had been through it once before, I still rewatched the cravings video, meditated, and visualized the whole concert alcohol-free …because my biggest worry is that I will let my guard down one day and BAM!

Because I enjoy facing challenges (no I really, really don’t lol) – I am also attending a work dinner tonight. This is a dinner with a client that I have worked with for years but have never actually met in-person. My social anxiety is ramped up high.

The team I’m meeting must have mentioned “wine and dine…did we mention wine” like ten times by now. So I gotta figure out how to turn down the wine without making it awkward. This will be my very first experience being out with drinkers. I’ve been out places where people are drinking, but in the last 46 days, I haven’t been WITH people who drink. I think it will be good practice for two more occasions coming up soon.

I’m thinking these guys don’t know me well enough to ask why I’m turning down wine – BUT I gotta prepare for that regardless. I’m either going with “ugh no thanks – I won’t sleep for like three days if I have any”…or “no thanks – I’ve been fighting a sinus infection for two weeks, and I don’t wanna jinx anything”.

Ya know what’s funny. For twenty years, I’ve been drinking to “face my fears and handle anxiety”. And now that I don’t drink, I am doing SO many more scary things with SO much LESS anxiety! And each time I do something hard, it gives me this amazing confidence and I love myself even more for it. It’s like I’m watching a little kid learn how to “do life” and I’m all proud of her!

When I drank, I “knew” alcohol caused anxiety. But I didn’t really believe it. But here’s the proof! I’d have never gone to this dinner before! How ironic that they haven’t ever visited Atlanta until now…exactly when I’m prepared to handle the meeting!

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a “me day”

– I have taken the day off of work and have an entire ME day planned! I am going to finally carve out time for week 4 and 5 videos…read more of This Naked Mind….take a big ol bubble bath, and take my dog out to lunch!

Another day of feeling grateful for HSS and all of the people in my workshop for helping me get here!

Part of my “me day” today was cleaning my office and replacing my mantra sticky notes with these printed ones 😀