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Good but poopy day

Yesterday was AMAZING and was real evidence of how much I’ve changed. I live in a new neighborhood and by being the first to have moved here, somehow I’ve become a sort of “social chair”…which is ironic as fuck because I am the most socially anxious woman on the planet….orrr I USE TO BE. So I arranged for a neighborhood Meet & Greet yesterday and it was supposed to be outdoors, but hell froze over and for some reason it was 34 degrees IN ATLANTA when I woke up. So with only a few hours’ notice, hubby and I decided to host the party IN OUR HOUSE instead.

Everything that could have gone wrong beforehand, went wrong. My dog apparently pooped somewhere…and the Roomba (robot vacuum thingy) apparently ran over the poop. So while we are running around cleaning other things thinking the floors were taken care of…Will (what we named our Roomba) was actually running around smearing dog shit all over our house and white bathroom rugs!!!! Also, I’m getting over a cold…so of course, I had a major coughing attack and I literally peed my pants RIGHT BEFORE THE PARTY.

Guys…It was 20 minutes before the party started, before 30 fucking strangers showed up IN MY HOUSE, my house was covered in dog poop, and I had to shower again! In the past, I’d have already been a little tipsy and anxious as hell….and that would have been the straw…but guess what? It wasn’t ! It actually didn’t even phase me! I literally looked at all that went wrong, made a list of what we had to do to fix it, delegated stuff to hubby – and we just took care of it! And guess what else? The party was a huge hit- I met some really great people, and everything worked out just fine!

Also – people were in my house with alcohol and the only thing I thought was “man, beer really smells”!

Sobriety and HSS has changed everything! Life is just easier…and better! I love you guys!

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Sick but sober

Sitting at home, sick as a dog, fending for myself because hubby is on the road. This is my “first sick” since being sober.

When I was drinking, being sick meant me being exhausted but still trying to figure out that perfect balance of alcohol consumption while still being able to take cold medication. So many times alcohol won, and I probably prolonged my sickness by days or a week.

Hubby being on the road when I was sick was always extra hard. I was already a sketchy “crazy girl” when he was gone and I got drunk. I would cause all sorts of ridiculous fights with him for no reason. Then add being sick and lonely AND drunk – magical disaster.

This time around…I’m sick…I’m a little lonely…I’m taking care of myself…and I feel bad for hubby because he didn’t want to leave me but he had to. I never considered how hard it was for him when he left. Funny how much more of the picture there is besides my drunk self and that “me me me” mentality I had while drinking.

I am so amazed at how much more there is to this world than I knew before!

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30 days!

30 days! 30 fucking days!!! It has been a beautiful, humbling, sometimes-painful, sometimes-joyful, road so far. I went from thinking I could never do this…seeing me as an old broken woman one day drinking vodka in a rocking chair….to knowing I can do ANYTHING!

Last night, I was talking to hubby about how impossible this had felt. How the last few times I went into it thinking it was likely doomed and how it ended up doomed. But this time was SO different – all because I decided to TRY something new…to put blind faith into a new way…to say fuck it- what’s the worst that can happen. I can’t believe how many things in life I’ve been missing because I thought I already knew all I needed to know! The only thing I actually know – is there is a fuck-load more to know! And for the first time in life….I’m happy about that! I hope I always have something new to learn and that I am always finding better ways to be.

Last night was the very first night that I didn’t even think about wine! I just started my lovely evening with tea, aromatherapy, and quality time with my hubby and dogs. It was amazing.

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27 days

I am 3 days away from 30 days sober. There have been two times in my life where that has ever occurred – once when I was around 17ish…I was dating a boy in AA, and I went to a meeting with him. I connected so much with the stories – even though I really didn’t drink much YET. I managed to live/breathe/eat AA from that point forward. I look back at that time ironically – as the people there LITERALLY spilt more than I had drank and frequently told me that. My own family constantly told me I shouldn’t go to meetings and hated that I thought I was an alcoholic. I worked that program anyway. Despite EVERYONE not welcoming me and not wanting me there, I fought for it. It’s ironic to me since I really hadn’t started down my alcoholic path quite yet. I made it about 18 months and then decided to go drink instead. I proceeded to develop a much larger, daily wine habit for the next 18 years.

Then I decided I wanted a baby and needed to quit drinking for that. I never got pregnant (and thank goodness as I divorced that guy anyways) …I made it about eight months and eventually took up martinis instead.

Now there have been plenty of times that I’ve sworn off alcohol since then – but never made it more than a few days at a time. A year ago, I started the middle of the night, drunk/hungover google searches that led me to Hip Sobriety School. I always swore I’d never get sober again because I’d never go back to AA. I know it works for many…and I’m so glad for that…but it really was something I didn’t want to go back to ever again. I am SO grateful to have found this place. SO grateful that Holly showed up in my inbox as I was doing my middle of the night “God not this again, not another 3am hangover, I can’t believe I did it again”. I am SO grateful that even after I decided not to sign up…that I again drank so much the next night that I drunk-signed-up for the class anyways.

This has been the best 27 days of my life!

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Oh! So bars aren’t fun afterall

Happy Monday everyone! Me and hubby had a weekend getaway to Savannah (which I now realize we only ever went to because it’s a major drinking spot). We ended up talking a lot about my drinking and my sobriety. He is just now starting to see HOW much drinking ran my life. He didn’t realize how many decisions I made were entirely based around alcohol until he had to watch me make decisions around not drinking.

This was my second time out around drinking since I’ve been sober. I found myself really having trouble figuring out what to do with our time. I guess I just had to have a slightly awkward weekend getaway before I can have more relaxing ones. This was more like an assignment than a getaway…go away and figure out how to have fun sober…lol

What I LOVED about this weekend though – is my thoughts were all about figuring out my new life vs wanting to drink. There were a couple moments when I realized some things are gone that I hadn’t considered (certain drinks I associate with positive things) but I reframed that pretty quickly. All in all the weekend was exhausting but a positive learning experience.

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Gotta start somewhere

So when I first started HSS, one of the mantras was “I am willing to start before I’m ready”, and it came on a day that I was offered a project that I was scared to accept. I decided to follow the mantra and take the job. Today is the first meeting for this project, and I AM SO FUCKING SCARED.

Before quitting alcohol, I probably would have drank a bottle of wine last night and been hungover and anxious for the meeting. Instead, I am well rested and willing to see what happens. Nervous as hell….but how bad can it really be? If I can face the world every day without wine – I should be able to go to a conference call, right!?

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Bland before Beautiful

I seem to be trying like hell to find some “way” to achieve numbness without alcohol. The first two weeks, I was in a newly-sober-high and I CAN’T GET IT BACK. “Normal” feels SO BLAND. I am so easily offended, cranky, and judgmental beyond belief right now. I keep drinking kava tea, seltzer water, taking bubble baths…trying to drown that little voice who is like “numb…I want numb”.