Hey everyone. I am 41, married, no kids. I’m known as a great story teller, and most of my drinking stories have been quite entertaining to those that know me. But for those of us that struggle w/ drinking, the stories are all familiar and quite sad when you strip them down to the basics – I drank too much AGAIN, stupid shit happened AGAIN, I did something questionable that I MIGHT remember tomorrow, and I feel like shit about it AGAIN. Sprinkle in some anxiety, panic attacks, sleepless nights, and you probably get the gist.
I come from a long line of alcoholics, and I’ve been drinking all of my life – off and on as a teen, daily since I was 21… with the last 5ish years being about 1-2 bottles of wine a day. I am what I like to call a “highly functional drunk”. I have a great marriage, great job, and I doubt a single sole around me would even think of me when thinking of the word alcoholic. My own husband had a very hard time understanding why I’d even want to not drink.. as I’ve been able to hide my problem from him for the most part or at least “market” it well enough that he doesn’t see it as a problem. I recently relocated to my husbands’ home town. I have no real social life, and my husband travels quite a bit for work. This has left me all alone, with little to do, and a lot of wine and vodka to drink. I’ve managed to make wine and “pretty little martinis” look like an acceptable “hobby”, meanwhile I’m drunk, making dumb choices, feeling like shit, and wishing I had an actual meaningful life. I’d like my Facebook memories to pop up with real life experiences, instead of “hey look, 5 years ago you took a picture of a martini!”
In the past, I’ve attempted to make rules around drinking, stop drinking, only occasionally drink – all with no success. Most recently, I stayed “sober” 11 days and then decided I did so well not drinking, I “must not have a problem” and proceeded to start my 1-2-bottles-a-day right back up again. Then last week it hit me… the fact that I even have a concept of “drinking just fine” is a fucking problem! The fact that I was able to “not drink” for 11 days, and I think that’s some great feat that DESERVES a “drinking reward” – is a fucking problem! The fact that I think drinking 7 glasses of wine EVERYDAY “is fine” – is a fucking problem!
So here I am…I haven’t drank since September 19th, and I am 100% invested in making this work. I want to be a bad ass who doesn’t have to worry about not drinking. I want to have a life. I want to sleep through the night. I want to actually know what Amazon orders I made the night before. I want to enjoy life the way it actually happens. I want to find meaningful things to do with my time rather than occupy all of it with thoughts of drinking, not drinking, maybe drinking.
I just want to be free!
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