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My Truth

I drink too much alcohol…

I am unable to control my intake and can’t imagine being successful “cutting down”. While my life is still in tact and fairly “put together”, my health suffers and my mental health does too. I often drink and don’t remember bits and pieces of the night. Sometimes I say or do things that I later regret. I believe my anxiety and emotional well being is significantly impacted by my drinking. I can see that while I have always drank daily, that I am drinking more and having more negative effects from it. I spend at least $5000 a year on alcohol.

All of my plans revolve around making sure I can have alcohol…

Anytime I make plans to do something, I ensure I will have access to alcohol. I see myself as a middle-aged woman who sits at home alone, drinking and when socializing, acts like a 20 something seeking attention and being dumb. I’m embarrassed that so many people know me as “the girl with the wine” or “the girl with beer expense reports”. I haven’t pursued having a child because I don’t want to stop drinking, and I think I will regret this later. I encourage my husband to “have fun” so that he won’t pay attention to my drinking. I have hurt him several times with angry outbursts – all fueled by alcohol.

Every morning, I wake up and say I don’t want to drink anymore. Every night, I wake up repeatedly wishing I hadn’t drank…

My nights are filled with attempts to drink more but somehow avoid a hangover. While my clients don’t see it (yet), my work is totally impacted by my drinking. I know my sleep is disrupted because of alcohol, and I am pretty sure I have an ulcer. My eyes are dry every morning, and my sight seems to be deteriorating. I can look back and see that drinking is now starting to really cause health issues, and I don’t want it to continue. My memory is not as good as it use to be and that scares me.

I don’t want to die alone and confused…

I don’t want to be childless. I don’t want to ruin my marriage. I don’t want to fuck up my work. I don’t want to fuck up my life. I don’t want to be like my dad or the other drunks I know.

I want to enjoy my life without alcohol…

I want to sleep well and wake up refreshed. I want to feel life instead of block it out with alcohol. I want to be proud of who I am and what I do. I want to think of others. I want to do what’s good for me and my family. I feel like my life has just become one big struggle to manage and control everything so that I can keep drinking.

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